


i say i don't want that, but what if i do?

by hacf



Category: Halt and Catch Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:49:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29717430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hacf/pseuds/hacf
Summary: “When did you realize you were gay?” Haley asks.Cameron nearly hits her head on the bed frame they’re trying to build. Donna would be better at this, but she’s on a business trip, somewhere in New York doing interviews about how great Phoenix could be. Cameron would much rather be here, in Haley’s bedroom with the windows open because it’s warming up again, the sun shining through the blinds.“I’m not gay,” Cameron says, slowly. She doesn’t know the protocol here. They all assumed, but Haley hasn’t told them yet and Donna is the one who read all the books about what to do when your kid is gay.
Relationships: Donna Clark/Cameron Howe, Donna Emerson/Cameron Howe
Comments: 13
Kudos: 45





	i say i don't want that, but what if i do?

**Author's Note:**

> title from the archer by t. swift! 
> 
> i tried to keep it as realistic as possible but i'm sure some of the timelines don't really make sense but i hope it's still readable. this is the longest thing i've ever written and i couldn't bare to read over it more than a few times so any errors are on me. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

“When did you realize you were gay?” Haley asks. 

Cameron nearly hits her head on the bed frame they’re trying to build. Donna would be better at this, but she’s on a business trip, somewhere in New York doing interviews about how great Phoenix could be. Cameron would much rather be here, in Haley’s bedroom with the windows open because it’s warming up again, the sun shining through the blinds. 

“I’m not gay,” Cameron says, slowly. She doesn’t know the protocol here. They all assumed, but Haley hasn’t told them yet and Donna is the one who read all the books about what to do when your kid is gay. 

Haley rolls her eyes and holds out a different screw. Cameron frowns at it, but switches it out, reaching for the screwdriver again. It shouldn’t be difficult to build a bed. She’s built two companies from scratch, made millions more than she could have ever dreamed of, and is in the process of building another one. A queen size bed should be no problem. 

“I’m not stupid,” Haley starts, “I know that being bisexual is a thing.”

“Right,” Cameron nods. “But I’m not. Can you pass me the off set please?”

Haley hands it over and sighs. She pushes her hand through her hair, hair that Cameron is realizing looks a lot like her old hair cut, and frowns. Cameron isn’t stupid either. Hair doesn’t prove anything. She remembers hooking up with a girl in the first few months of college, but she was so drunk she isn’t sure if it counts. 

“Are you asking for a specific reason?” Cameron asks, doing her best to keep her voice light and open. She wants Haley to trust her. She knows what it’s like to lose a father, how it tore her up for years and years, and she still hasn’t truly recovered. She can admit now that she probably never will, but she’s okay with it, or as okay as you can be. She wants to be there for Haley and Joanie. She wants to be there for Donna too and if building a bed is a part of that she’ll figure it out. 

“No,” Haley says. She takes pity on her, shoving at Cameron’s shoulder until she rolls out from under the bed. It’s mostly built, they have to attach the middle bar and then the wooden slats, but she thinks it looks good. 

Haley climbs over the front panel and bends down. It takes her two minutes to get the metal rod in place and she looks up at smirks. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Cameron rolls her eyes. She passes her the screws for the other end and moves to get the slats. 

They celebrate with lemonade afterwards. Donna got really into it, planted a lemon tree in their backyard, and sent Haley out every so often to pick them. 

Cameron and Haley make theirs a lot sweeter, enough sugar to make Donna balk but not comment, and Haley’s started to add things to it: strawberries and mint leaves and peach. Cameron likes to add bourbon when it’s just her and Donna, out in the backyard with their feet in the pool. 

“I thought that maybe you were dating my mom,” Haley mutters. 

Cameron chokes and her fingers slip on the buttons, sending Yoshi flying off the road. Haley chose Rainbow Road as the track too and Cameron doesn’t know if it’s another sign or if she’s going insane. 

“That’s cheating,” Cameron mutters. The crane drops her back on the road, in 12th place with Haley racing past the finish line in first. 

“I wasn’t kidding,” Haley says. Mario is celebrating on screen, the fake celebrating cheers grating on Cameron’s ears. 

“I’m not - why would you think that?” Cameron says. She pauses the game before the next track can load and Haley shrugs, “You basically live here.” She isn’t wrong but Cameron’s lived here before, back when Gordon was alive and their marriage wasn’t over. Her airstream is parked on the garage, right beside the car Joe left for Haley before he fucked off back home. She doesn’t remember the last time she slept in there, and is pretty sure Joanie spends more time in it than she does, but that doesn’t prove Haley’s point. 

Haley sighs, rolling her eyes like Cameron is definitely the biggest idiot she knows. “I asked Mom if she was thinking about dating again and she said that she didn’t need anyone else in her life.” She shrugs, pressing play on the game. Bowser’s castle loads on the screen and Cameron hopes it’s an excuse not to talk. 

It isn’t. Cameron beats her this time, Yoshi crossing over just before Mario, and Haley sits up straighter. “You guys don’t have to lie to us, okay?” She puts her controller on the side table and stretches her arms over her head, “Joanie knows, but she said it’s so obvious it’d be stupid to ask.”

“We’re not - Haley,” Cameron winces. “We aren’t - I promise you.” 

Haley doesn’t look convinced, only disappointed. She shrugs and slides her legs over the side of the bed, “Then why aren’t you?”

\-- -- --

Cameron can’t stop noticing things, after that. 

Joanie comes back home before Donna and spends dinner (Chinese take out, eaten on the couch) telling them everything about her trip. She has a boyfriend now, some lanky guy with dark brown curls and an easy smile. Donna likes him, even if Cameron isn’t so sure, and now she feels weird about having an opinion on it. 

Joanie and Haley aren’t her kids, but they aren’t her friends either. They’re something in between that she can’t quite name and can’t figure out. Donna had shrugged her off when she’d ask, muttered something about being the fun aunt or a godmother or something, before rushing off to another meeting. 

“You’ll read my essay right?” Joanie asks and Cameron blinks herself back into focusing. 

“Right, of course.” 

Cameron thinks that Donna only likes Brandon because he’s in his third year at Berkeley and Joanie has been talking about starting college. 

“Cool,” Joanie smiles, leaning back into the couch. 

They put a movie on, some thriller that Haley clearly hates but refuses to move. She tucks her face into Cameron’s arm and Cameron laughs at her, tugging the blanket covering their laps to help cover her eyes. 

It’s easy and it’s fun and she can’t believe it took her this long to realize that she doesn’t want to leave.

\-- -- --

Donna gets back home late afternoon on a Friday.

Haley went with Brandon to class, something about feminism and technology, that she’d found online and figured they could sneak in, and Haley is at school. 

Cameron doesn’t hear the front door unlock, Donna dropping her suitcase on the floor and kicking off her shoes, or her walking up the stairs. They turned one of the rooms into a mini office, two desks facing each other and shelves lining one of the walls. 

“Hi,” Donna says and Cameron nearly falls off her chair.

“Jesus Christ,” Cameron whines, gripping the edge of her desk to keep from falling.

Donna is smiling at her, soft and tired and amused, and Cameron forces herself to smile back. It feels like things changed, somehow, even though Donna was only gone for four days. 

“What are you working on?” Donna asks. She starts taking off her jewelry as she walks over to her, her necklace getting hooked on one of the pencils in the cup and her bracelets laid out beside it. She leans over Cameron’s shoulder and Cameron tenses up, scrolling back up to the top. She doesn’t really know what she’s working on, all of a sudden, too distracted by Donna’s hair tickling her cheek, to the way she smells vaguely of peaches and mint. 

“I’m trying to figure out how to separate videos and photos,” Cameron mutters, eventually. Donna puts her hand over her’s on the mouse, pushing her finger out of the way so she can scroll down.

Cameron feels like her entire body is burning, starting from the point that their fingers are touching and spreading up her body. Donna doesn’t notice at all. She makes tiny little pleased sounds at the bottom part of the code and adds a comma to where Cameron forgot one.

“I like it,” Donna whispers and Cameron grins at her.

\-- -- --

There’s one weekend in October that’s unreasonably warm and everyone is home so they decide to make a day of it. Cameron takes Joanie out to get groceries while Haley and Donna check on the garden, and Joanie hops into the cart as soon as Cameron pulls it out. 

“So, what are you going to get Mom for her birthday?” Joanie asks. Her legs are hooked over the edge of the cart and it looks deeply uncomfortable. Joanie doesn’t seem bothered at all and Cameron tosses a few bags of chips onto her stomach.

“I don’t know,” Cameron shrugs. They’ve never really been gift giving people. 

Joanie raises her eyebrows and twists her mouth, looking way too much like her mother. “Come on, Cam.” She moves the chips towards the top part of the car and starts climbing out. Cameron sighs and stops pushing, in the middle of the cereal aisle. They do their grocery shopping the opposite way first. Middle aisles with all the junk food first, before adventuring back out to where all the fresh fruit and meat is. 

“It’s her first birthday when you two are together, you’ve got to get her something.”

Cameron blinks, “I’m - we aren’t dating.”

“Right,” Joanie nods. She picks up a box of Cheerios and considers it. “You skipped past dating and went right to marriage.”

“That’s not -” Cameron sighs. She grabs her own box of cereal, Lucky Charms, and puts it in the cart. “I’m serious.” 

Joanie grins at her, “So am I.”

\-- -- --

Donna cuts up watermelon and strawberries, slapping Cameron’s hand when she tries to steal one. Haley grabs two when she’s distracted, slipping one to Cameron as she passes by. 

“What’s my job, boss?” Cameron asks, leaning against the counter and licking strawberry juice off her fingers. Donna falters, eyes dropping to Cameron’s mouth, and Cameron blinks at her. 

“Wash the vegetables,” Donna mutters, turning around quickly. “Please,” she calls over her shoulder and Cameron shrugs and gets to work. 

They grill hot dogs and veggie burgers and a bunch of vegetables, garlic and onion and red peppers. There’s a table out back that Haley and Joanie set, going all out with a red and white table cloth. 

The backyard has a great view of the city, bleeding into the water, and they all angle their chairs towards it. Sunset is better than sunrise, but it’s still early, and Haley disappears after they’re done eating, coming back with a handful of rockets. 

It’s big enough that they have space to set them off safely, Cameron is pretty sure, but she checks with Donna anyways. A silent conversation where Donna just rolls her eyes and ties her hair up. 

Joanie brings her camera out. Cameron is pretty sure she’s going to end up majoring in something related to it, but she isn’t going to bring it up first. It’s all too similar to an older day, when Haley wasn’t nearly as tall as she is now, when Gordon was alive, and Katie still lived in California. 

The rockets are different, smaller but more efficient, and Haley’s designs on them are different. They set them up away from the pool, back towards the edge of the backyard that dips into a hill. 

Cameron knows if they go over they’re lost forever, but nobody seems worried about it. Donna checks the connections and passes the remotes out, sticking her tongue out when Joanie gets the camera in her face and Cameron watches all of them.

Haley is impatient, standing in front of her’s and telling Joanie to hurry up, but it makes Joanie go slower, backing up and slowly walking it, focusing the lens on the rockets and back up to all of them. Eventually she stands on Cameron’s right and takes the remote she passes her, holding it in her free hand.  
“On one?” Donna asks. Her eyes are bright, more green than blue in the light, and Cameron doesn’t look away. Donna grins at her, reaching out and linking their free hands together, and Cameron nearly hits the button too early.

Haley rolls her eyes at them both and starts counting herself. They manage to time it pretty well and the rockets fly up, higher than the trees and the roofs before peaking and dipping down. 

“Race you!” Haley yells and Joanie chases after her, camera steadier than it should be in her hands. 

“This was a good day,” Donna says, quieter. 

Their hands are still loosely linked together and Cameron squeezes, once. “It’s not over yet.”

“I know,” Donna grins, dropping her hand. “Race you!”

\-- -- --

They buy a floor at a new office a fifteen minute drive from Donna’s (their) house and hire a few more people. Cameron tracks Lev down and it takes three lunches to get him to agree to work with them again. 

“So,” Lev grins, at their third dinner. It’s at a weird salad place that he and Donna both love, Cameron isn’t a huge fan but she has her favourite dish, and the staff remember them by now. “You and Donna, huh?”

“What?” Cameron frowns. “Not you too.”  
Lev laughs, “come on Cam, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Nothing is happening,” Cameron protests.

“You live together,” Lev points out. “You’re work partners, she knows your order, the waitress knows both of your names, and Donna paid and you didn’t argue with her.”

None of it is wrong and Cameron is too aware of the picture it paints but it isn’t true. They’re business partners and friends, but it doesn’t go further than that. Cameron sleeps in a room in the basement that she knows Joanie is trying to steal from her, even if she’s going to be living in a dorm in a year. 

“Yes,” Cameron starts. “But we aren’t dating.”

Lev smirks and clearly doesn’t believe her, but Donna slides back into the booth beside Cameron before he can say anything else. He doesn’t press any further and Donna asks him his opinion on a few of the bugs they’ve been trying to figure out. 

It’s fun and they all walk out together. “See you monday, Lev?” Donna smiles.

“Course,” He hugs her.

“Don’t forget to pick up Haley,” Donna says, turning towards Cameron. “Her car is still in the shop and -”

“-and she has a meeting at the computer club, I know.” Cameron rolls her eyes. 

Donna’s smile grows and softens at the same time and Cameron feels her face go red. Lev bites his lip to stop from laughing and Cameron is about to flip him off when Donna kisses her cheek before turning and walking to her own car.

“Not dating,” Lev says, “right.” 

Cameron flips him off and stomps to her car. 

\-- -- --

Cameron makes a list. There’s a pile of empty notebooks on the shelves in the office, right next to all the learn to code books that Haley doesn’t need anymore. She grabs one and grabs a pencil and tries to start a list of presents. 

It doesn’t have to mean anything more than friendship, but she feels like she owes Donna something. She doesn’t want to move out and she doesn’t know how to start a conversation about it without it sounding like she does. 

Joanie keeps bugging her about it too. She claims that her and Haley found her the best present ever and the three of them have already started to plan a party. Something quiet, just the four of them, and maybe Brandon if he’s still around. 

She wonders if Diane still has her place up in the valley. Donna doesn’t drink much anymore, if at any, but the house has a pool and it’s far enough away to make it feel like a mini-vacation anyways. She writes it down and makes a note to ask Joanie about it, before leaning back in her chair and groaning.

“What are you stuck on?” 

Cameron scrambles to close the notebook, the pencil going flying off the table. Donna laughs at her and picks it up, putting it back in the cup. 

“Nothing,” Cameron breathes, “it’s nothing.”

“Okay,” Donna shrugs. She doesn’t press, just drops her purse on her desk and sits down across from her. The two computers block Cameron’s view of her and she leans her arms back onto the wood. “We just need someone in charge of marketing and I think we’re good.”

Cameron makes a face. She knows that Donna can’t see her but she tsks anyways, “I know, but we need help with it. It’s gotta be catchy and beautiful and easy to follow.”

“It will be,” Cameron promises. There is something about Phoenix that feels different from Mutiny or Cardiff before it. She doesn’t worry as much about them failing as she used to, doesn’t feel like the pressure is all on her shoulders. She trusts Donna and it scares her how easily it happened, how it went from Donna betraying her, four hands raised in the air to kick her out of the company she started, to them sharing a house together with a new company on track to become something great. 

“It will,” Donna echoes. 

“You should eat,” Cameron says. It’s almost nine, which is early for Donna getting home lately, and she feels a bit guilty about it. “Joanie made curry, it was pretty good.”

Donna hums and Cameron stands up to see her half-asleep in her chair.

“Donna, come on,” Cameron mutters, “you’re absolutely too old to fall asleep here. We’re not twenty anymore.”

“Fuck off,” Donna huffs. 

Cameron grins at her and lifts her up. Sometimes she forgets how much smaller Donna is than her. She carries herself bigger, has a presence in any room she’s in that Cameron can’t look away from, but right now she’s pliant and easy to shift until Cameron’s mostly carrying her weight and shuffling her towards her room. 

“Are you sure you aren’t hungry?” Cameron asks. She drops Donna down on the edge of the bed and starts pushing her jacket off her shoulders. It isn’t until she’s holding the jacket in her hands and hanging it up that she realizes what she just did. The fact that she’s volunteeringly hanging it up is slightly more surprising and she sighs. 

“No,” Donna mutters. “I got tacos with Tyler before the meeting with VC.”

“Okay,” Cameron nods. When she turns back around, Donna has her shirt off and is reaching around to undo her bra. Cameron stares, traces the path from Donna’s neck to her collarbones to the space between her breasts where a necklace is resting. It’s a small pendant, gold with a D on it, and she’s had it for so long that Cameron suddenly has an idea for a present. She turns around before Donna gets the bra off, unsure if Donna is too tired to realize she’s there or if she doesn’t care. She takes out a shirt from the second drawer of the dresser, a soft and old one with Berkeley written in faded letters and throws it behind her shoulder. She finds sweatpants and throws them too.

“You can look now,” Donna says, drily. There’s a smirk on her face and Cameron blushes, “I didn’t - whatever, go to sleep old woman.”

“Don’t call me old,” Donna whines. “There’s still another week until I’m old.

“Forty one is your standard for old now?” Cameron grins. 

Donna shuffles up towards the pillows and groans, “you’re really annoying, Cam.”

“I know,” Cameron shrugs. “You like it.”

“Yeah,” Donna hums, sleepy and already curling up under the blankets. 

Cameron swallows, “Good night.” She turns off the light and slips out before Donna could say anything else. 

\-- -- --

It turns out that asking Joanie for help was a terrible idea. 

“This is romantic,” Joanie says, kicking her feet up onto the dashboard. “I like it and she’ll like it.”

“It isn’t romantic,” Cameron reminds her. It feels romantic to her too, even if she isn’t positive Donna will like it. 

“It is,” Joanie rolls her eyes, “Stop fighting this.”

“I’m not fighting anything,” Cameron mutters. “You just want the basement bedroom.”

Bos recommended the store. There’d been a stupid smile on his face when she’d asked him, one that made her regret not just calling instead. Then Diane had gotten home, earlier than expected, and she’d given her a list of three more. 

Cameron is really hoping the first store has something that feels right. They park and get coffee first, Joanie getting some obnoxious frozen drink that’s too sweet for Cameron, and they walk around before going to the store. 

“Relax,” Joanie says, taking the finished cup out of her hands. “You’re just buying her a necklace, for her birthday, not a fucking ring.”

“Okay, first of all, we are not dating and I don’t know why none of you believe me, and second, gay marriage isn’t even legal.” Cameron points out. It makes her feel shaky now and she hates it. It’s a stupid law even if she wasn’t gay or bisexual or whatever she is. She isn’t going to think about it. 

Joanie rolls her eyes, “I know and that’s obviously bullshit, but come on, you could buy her a candy necklace and she’d love it because it was from you. And that’s fucking surprising because we all know how much she loves expensive jewelry.”

Cameron doesn’t answer and walks past her into the store. It’s warmer inside, an overreaction to their mild fall weather, and Cameron pushes her sleeves up a bit. The store is empty except for them and the woman behind the glass containers who smiles at them, “what can I help you with?”

“We need help with a birthday present,” Joanie says, “a necklace for my mom.”

“Sure,” The woman says and walks towards the other end of the counters. There are so many necklaces, golds and silvers and rose golds, some covered in diamonds, some with giant pendants, some with flowers and letters and animals. 

“Wait,” Joanie looks up. She looks smug already and Cameron waits, “what if we get a phoenix one?”

“Is that too cheesy?” Cameron asks, “it feels cheesy.”

“I think it’s romantic.” 

“Is this a romantic gift?” The woman asks. Her name tag reads Carla. Cameron has no clue if she’s homophobic or not, so she says no just as Joanie says yes. 

Carla laughs, easy. “Okay, well, what does phoenix mean?”

“It’s their company,” Joanie explains. “They started it together.”

“I don’t think it’s too cheesy,” Carla offers and Cameron sighs. She ends up buying three necklaces. A gold chain with a tiny phoenix pendant that isn’t obvious unless you’re up close, another gold chain with a pendant shaped with a heart and has C, J, H engraved on one side, and a silver necklace with a flower that Joanie wanted. 

“This is your birthday present,” Cameron mutters, when they’re walking back to her car.

Joanie grins at her, “my birthday is in July.”

“I’ll remember,” Cameron huffs, knowing that she won’t.

\-- -- --

November 16th falls on a Sunday. 

They invite Bos and Diane, Lev and his boyfriend Adam, and a few of Haley’s and Joanie’s friends up for Saturday. Joanie and Cameron and Bos do most of the cooking, forcing Donna to relax in the living room with Diane before everyone else arrives. 

“Why do you look so nervous, kid?” Bos asks.

Cameron glares at him and focuses back on dicing up potatoes. “I’m not nervous.”

“She’s nervous about the present she got mom,” Joanie betrays her. “It’s cute, isn’t it?”

“Real cute,” Bos grins. “You know when you get married this time, I better be there.” He says it so easily, like her not telling him about marrying Tom is in the past and he forgave her and it doesn’t matter so much anymore. She stops dicing potatoes and sighs, “we can’t get married, even if we were dating, which we are not.”

“Right, right.” Bos holds up his hands. “Whatever you say, darling.” 

They don’t bring it up again and the food looks great, good enough that she knows Donna is suspicious that she helped.

“I can cook now,” Cameron mutters, sitting down beside her. “It’s all edible, I promise.”

“She’s not bad,” Joanie admits. 

“I’m sure it’s great,” Donna says. She reaches out and squeezes Cameron’s thigh as she says it and Cameron barely manages not to jump. She taps Donna’s hand, a bit awkward, but Donna turns and smiles at her. 

There’s so much food, covering most of the table and barely leaving room for their own plates, and Cameron loves everyone sitting around it. It overwhelms her sometimes, that she has a family now, people that she trusts and loves and cares about. She shoves mashed potatoes in her mouth so she doesn’t say something stupid or cry and tunes back into Haley telling them about her new project. 

They move back into the living room eventually and Cameron ends up on the couch, in between Donna and Haley, both of them curled towards her, their heads against her shoulder. It’s sweet and she has one arm around Donna’s shoulder, the other tucked against her own stomach. 

Joanie makes Ethan (new guy, blonder and taller, and studying physics) help her with the cake in the kitchen. Her and Haley made it, layers of alternating chocolate and vanilla cake, with cherry filling in between some and vanilla icing in the others. It looks professional, chocolate shavings in a circle on the top, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY in Joanie’s loopy writing in hot pink icing. 

There’s only two candles, blue with purple polka dots, and Donna moves from her side to blow them out. One stays lit and Joanie smirks at her, “someone special huh?”

Donna doesn’t answer, just smiles and moves back against Cameron’s side. “I get the first piece.”

Joanie, Bos and Ethan bring out plates with giant slices of cake, and Joanie pushes a giant piece with two forks into Donna’s hands. “You two can share, yeah?” She doesn’t wait for an answer, moving on to pass one to Diane, and Cameron rolls her eyes. 

Donna passes her a fork before she takes a bite for herself and makes an obscene noise in response. Cameron is way too close to her, if Donna looked up it’d be so easy to kiss her, she’d barely have to move at all, and she isn’t sure how long she can do this for. 

“Joanie is a really good baker,” Donna mutters, “and cook.”

“Maybe she’ll do that instead of photography,” Cameron shrugs. The cake is delicious and she’s going to make sure Joanie makes her’s too. 

“Maybe,” Donna agrees. She eats most of the cake but Cameron doesn’t complain. Everyone clears out pretty quickly afterwards and then it’s just the four of them in the basement. 

“What movie?” Haley asks, sitting on the floor and looking through the VHS tapes. 

“You can pick,” Donna shrugs, “something fun.”

Haley nods and keeps looking, Joanie joining her eventually. Ethan left too, something about a paper, but Cameron knows Joanie just wants to spend time with them but won’t admit it. They settle on _Speed_ and end up squished together on the couch. 

“I love you guys,” Cameron says, before she realizes it’s coming out of her mouth.

Haley smiles at her, sweet and happy, Joanie smirks at her but can’t hide how pleased she looks, and Donna knocks their shoulders together, looping her arm through Cameron’s. “We love you too.”

\-- -- --

Joanie wakes up early for once in her life to make breakfast, bribing Haley to help so that Cameron doesn’t have to. She sets up the table, placemats and coffee and glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice, and stacks the presents at one end. 

Haley wrapped them all, careful and neat, in bright blue wrapping paper that is eerily similar to the colour of Donna’s eyes. 

The house smells like bacon and butter and sugar by the time Donna stumbles downstairs. Her housecoat is around her shoulders and her hair is up in a messy bun that’s so close to falling out and she looks stupidly beautiful. 

“Good morning,” Cameron says, “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” Donna grins. She hugs her, which still feels new but Cameron relaxes into it faster each time, and it’s how Joanie and Haley find them. 

“God,” Joanie groans, “not in front of your children.”

Donna is rolling her eyes when she pulls back and immediately tugs Haley and Joanie towards her. It’s cute and Cameron wishes she had a camera. 

“I made breakfast,” Joanie says, “do you want to eat or open presents first?”

“Food,” Donna decides. “It smells incredible.”

Joanie made pancakes with and without blueberries and she pushes the plate with them towards Cameron. It’s a little thing that she wouldn’t have expected Joanie to remember and she grins at her. 

The food is incredible and Cameron helps Haley clear the dishes. “Dude, you really do not have to be this nervous.”

“I’m not nervous,” Cameron mutters. “I know she’ll like it.”

“But?”

“Nothing,” Cameron shrugs. 

“She loves you,” Haley sighs. “It’s not - I think you love her and I know you don’t think you’re dating -”

“-we aren’t.”

“Fine, I know,” Haley says, “but you make her happy and I think you both could be even happier, you know? I just want to make sure she’s good when I leave for college and you too.”

“Haley,” Cameron swallows. “I’m not great with words.”

Haley grins, “I know.”

“I’ll make sure she’s happy, okay?” Cameron says, “you don’t have to worry about her.”

“Okay,” Haley nods. “Want a hug?”

Cameron nods and Haley laughs at her, hugs her, and god she’s nearly as tall as Cameron is. 

Joanie has moved the presents to where Donna is sitting when they walk back in and Donna smiles at them, claps her hands and asks what one she should open first.

“Our’s,” Haley says. Joanie points which ones they are and Donna reaches for the smaller one first. She unwraps it delicately, keeping the paper in tack like she’s going to reuse it. 

There’s a new mug that says light pink with the ‘BEST MOM EVER’ printed on the side that makes Donna honest to god tear up, a soft new dark green sweater, and a gift certificate to a couples spa day. The last one makes Cameron give both of them looks but they both smile back innocently. 

Cameron’s gifts are smaller, tinier boxes that she thinks gives away what they are. 

“That one first, I think.” Cameron says, pointing at the one with a green bow that she knows is the heart. 

“It’s beautiful,” Donna breathes. She takes it out of the box and twists the heart around. It should be clear that it’s their initials, the three of them that make up their family, and Cameron prays it isn’t presumptuous. “I love it.” She turns to Joanie, holding up the ends of the necklace, “can you help me?” 

Joanie clicks it into place and grins, “it’s gorgeous, right?” It’s a short enough chain that it shows above Donna’s t-shirt and Cameron focuses on it. She looks up and Donna is staring at her, smiling easily, the same soft smirk that she sometimes feels like is reserved just for her. 

“You should open the next one,” Haley says. 

Cameron can’t figure out why the phoenix feels more significant. Maybe it’s because she’s sure that she’s family, that her and Haley and Joanie will be Donna’s forever, but she isn’t sure what her role is supposed to be. 

Phoenix is only the two of them. An idea that was great enough that Cameron didn’t want to leave, but she knows she would’ve stayed anyways. She asked Donna first, if she wanted to work together again, even if Donna betrayed her, even if she had been so set on leaving. It felt better to have a place to return to, a constant even if so much else changed, a home. She doesn’t want to lose it, is terrified to, and the phoenix represents it, to her. 

“Oh my God,” Donna says. “It looks exactly like our logo but I - how?”

“Um,” Cameron shrugs, “we brought a picture in with the logo? And the shop was really great and said she could do a silhouette of the phoenix, so it was a bit more subtle but still looked like the real thing.”

“It’s perfect,” Donna shakes her head. She holds it up closer and smiles. The detail is good, it’s the exact same shape as their logo without the details, in gold that matches the heart. It doesn’t look like the logo from far away, so Cameron thinks she can wear it more often without looking like a walking Billboard. 

Joanie helps her put it on again. It’s longer than the heart necklace and it rests just over her shirt. 

“Thank you,” Donna says, “all of you, these are - perfect. It’s perfect.”

\-- -- --

“My parents want to come out for Christmas,” Donna says. 

“Okay?” 

“I’m asking if you’re okay with it,” Donna clarifies. They’re running late, which doesn’t matter that much when you’re the bosses, but Donna still hates it. 

Cameron grabs a granola bar from the box they keep on the counter because at least one of them is always running late for something and follows Donna out towards the car. 

“I mean, they’re your parents?” Cameron shrugs, “I can fuck off for Christmas, it’s fine.”

“What? No.” Donna pouts. “It’s probably the last Christmas where Joanie and Haley are both going to be here for sure, I want you there. They want you there.”

“Your parents don’t hate me anymore right?” 

“They never hated you,” Donna says. “You didn’t - they liked you and Haley and Joanie only say good things about you, it’s fine. They liked Gordon too, eventually, it’s not - they’re just a lot, sometimes.” 

“I can handle it,” Cameron says, “but if you want to use me as an excuse, go for it.” 

Donna rolls her eyes, “I’ll call them tonight.”

\-- -- --

“Where are Grandma and Grandpa going to sleep?” Joanie asks. It’d be an innocent question if she didn’t have the smirk on her face. 

“The basement room,” Cameron shrugs. “I can sleep in the airstream.” 

“You’re going to kill your back,” Donna points out. “My bed is huge, you can sleep with me.”

Cameron thinks she blacks out for a second. Haley is laughing and not even bothering to hide it when she clues back in. “That’s not - the airstream is fine.”

“You’re a giant and your back sucks,” Donna reminds her, “you’re getting old.”

“Super old,” Haley agrees. 

“Fine,” Cameron says. “I’ll sleep with you.”

Joanie snorts and Haley makes a face and both of them leave the kitchen without excuses. Donna is bright red when Cameron looks up at her and Cameron grins.

\-- -- --

Cameron ends up picking Susan and Gary up from the airport. Haley goes with her and they wait by the baggage claim. Haley peppers her with questions about if college is worth it and Cameron tries to convince her that it is. She’s already taking first year courses so she can graduate early and Cameron does think it’s a good idea to get a degree, even if she ended up skipping out. 

“Oh, shit,” Haley says, eventually. “There they are!” 

Susan looks delighted to see them, or Cameron assumes it’s mostly Haley’s presence. It’s been awhile since they’ve all been back to Texas and even longer since her parents came out to San Francisco. 

“Thanks for coming to get us sweetheart,” Susan says and it takes Cameron a bit to realize she’s talking to her.

“Oh, yeah, of course.” She shrugs it off. “Donna had to handle a last minute thing with one of our VC guys, but she should be home by the time we get back.”

“Perfect,” Gary nods. “You’ve got the new PlayStation right?”

“Yes,” Cameron nods. She takes the suitcase that Susan is rolling and follows Haley out the doors. “We got Madden too now. Donna is awful at it, she might’ve hid it.”

“Really, really bad.” Haley confirms.

The drive back isn’t as awful as Cameron expected. She probably didn’t need Haley as a buffer but she’s grateful for her anyways. Gary genuinely seems to like her. He’s gotten more into video games lately, retired and bored, and she promises to show him how to get better at Madden. She’s weirdly good at it, considering how little she watches sports, and once she caught Donna staying up late to watch an NFL game like it was going to help her. 

Susan seems confused on how to handle her. She’s mostly quiet until they’re almost home, the streets starting to become familiar. “So, Cameron, how long have you been dating my daughter?”

Cameron is proud of herself for not crashing the car. She stutters, unsure of what she’s even trying to say, and Haley laughs, “I don’t think there’s a clear date,” she shrugs, and Susan stares at her. “It just kind of happened, you know?” 

“I - sure,” Cameron says. She thinks protesting too much about dating Donna might be more offensive to Susan and she isn’t sure she can pull it off anymore. They aren’t dating. She knows that, but she’s more and more convinced that they’re something, that Haley and Joanie and Lev and Bos are right. “It’s been - a while, I guess?”

Susan hums but doesn’t look upset. Cameron counts it as a win and parks the car, ushering Haley to take them in and grabbing both of the suitcases. She pulls Donna away as soon as she can, pushing a suitcase into her hands and walking down into the basement. She cleaned out the room, changed the sheets and pillows and even dusted everything down. 

It isn’t like she has a ton of things in it anymore, most of her stuff is in their office and the bathroom in Donna’s room because it’s five times bigger than the one in the basement. She doesn’t think about the implications. 

“Your parents think we’re dating,” Cameron says. They put the suitcases on the bed and Donna turns to leave but Cameron grabs her hand. “Donna.”

“Is that so bad?” Donna asks. Her voice is small and quiet and she won’t meet Cameron’s eyes. 

“No,” Cameron says, “but - everyone thinks we’re together and we aren’t or we are but you haven’t told me and I don’t know what the hell is going on.”

“Mom!” Joanie yells and Cameron drops Donna’s hand, “Cameron! Dinner is ready, hurry up or it’s going to go cold.” 

“We’ll talk later, okay?” Donna promises. She leans up and kisses her cheek before turning around and practically sprinting up the stairs. 

It’s the second time Donna has kissed her and she groans, embarrassed at how a kiss on the cheek makes her feel, and follows her up the stairs a lot more slowly. 

\-- -- --

They don’t end up talking the first night. 

Donna stays up late talking with her parents and Cameron is tired enough that she accidentally falls asleep, her head on Donna’s lap and curled up on the couch. It’s Donna’s fault anyways, she keeps running her fingers through Cameron’s hair, the longest it’s been in a while and she’s thinking about cutting it again before she crashes. 

“Cam,” Donna mutters. “Come on, baby.” She scratches a bit harder at Cameron’s scalp and she groans, rolling over a bit. Her face ends up pressed against Donna’s stomach and she yawns, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Donna laughs, “but come on, we’ve got to get upstairs.”

They make it upstairs eventually and their nightly routine is the same as it always is. Cameron throws her clothes into a pile on the chair in the corner and Donna glares at her like she always does but doesn’t bother her to move them to the hamper in the closet, but this time Cameron doesn’t go back downstairs. 

Donna climbs into her side of the bed, a stack of books piled up on the table next to her glass of water. They’re all cheesy romance novels or books on new coding languages. Cameron got her a few new ones for Christmas, one on Python, a language she isn’t sure about yet but seems promising and a romance book that was on the Bestsellers table. 

The other side is empty except for a lamp that Cameron turns off when she climbs in.

“We can talk tomorrow, okay?” Donna murmurs. She already sounds half asleep, words mumbly and heavy, and Cameron nods, “Sure.”

\-- -- --

“Did you buy any presents?” Susan asks. 

Somehow it’s only her and Cameron in the backyard. It’s sunny but not warm enough to risk the pool, but they set up a bonfire and sent Joanie and Gary out for marshmallows. 

Haley is panicking about one of her college courses, but it’s more hardware than software, so it’s Donna who was asked and not Cameron. 

“Yeah,” Cameron nods. “We got Haley a new computer and we’re going to give Joanie the airstream. A few smaller things too.”

“And for Donna?”

“I got her a piano,” Cameron admits. It’s been a while since Donna played, too busy and their house hasn’t had one, but she found a beautiful one online, all dark wood and gold accents. 

It fits perfectly in the front living room where Donna likes to read when she has the time, curled up on one of the couches. Cameron scheduled it to be delivered on Christmas Eve, when she knows Joanie and Haley are going to take Donna out. 

It’s where their Christmas tree is and Cameron thinks it’ll be a perfect surprise.

Susan raises her eyebrows and nods, “that’s a perfect present.”

“I hope so,” Cameron shrugs. She’s half worried that Donna is going to be mad at her for changing their house around without asking, but more confident that Donna will love it. 

“She seems really happy,” Susan says, softer. 

“I think so.” 

“ _You_ make her happy,” Susan adds. “I didn’t expect it, but you fit. They’re all happy and they all love you.”

“I love them too,” Cameron says. It’s honest and it doesn’t get stuck in her throat anymore. It feels normal and right and like it was meant to be, like Joe picked her out for a reason, but not the one he expected, like they had to go through Cardiff and Mutiny and Comet, and that it was all worth it.

“I know,” Susan laughs. “I can tell.”

\-- -- --

Donna is suspicious but she lets Joanie and Haley drag her and her parents out for lunch. “You have plans.” She repeats, eyes narrowing.

“Yes,” Cameron rolls her eyes, “go.” 

“I can stay,” Donna offers, “we still haven’t - talked.” She says _‘talked’ I’m in love with you_ or _please don’t ever leave me again_ , something that isn’t walking around what she thinks they both feel but then Haley’s walking into the living room. 

“I am not helping her cook next year,” she mutters, flopping down beside Donna. “She’s a tyrant.” 

Donna laughs, tugging her closer. “But the food is worth it.”

\-- -- --

They get to presents eventually.

Nobody is hungry enough for lunch so they settle for whatever snacks they can find and then spread out around the living room. Gary becomes the official present passer, sitting beside the tree and grabbing whatever Donna points out. 

Haley beams when she opens the giant box with her new computer that’s still too heavy to carry by herself and Cameron knows she’s going to spend the rest of the day setting it up.

Joanie looks shocked at the keys to the airstream and jumps up to hug Cameron, “are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Cameron laughs, “I don’t need it anymore, I’m staying here.” It comes out easily again, almost too easily, but Donna is smiling and squeezing closer to her on the floor, their backs against the couch.

“Awesome,” Joanie breathes, “I’m going to redecorate. That’s fine right?”

“Do your worst,” Cameron agrees. 

Cameron gets a bunch of new clothes, a new keyboard, a recipe book that she recognizes as Joanie’s favourite with Cameron’s favourite recipes tagged, refills of the stupidly expensive shampoo and conditioner that Donna got her hooked on, and a new leather bag from Donna’s parents. 

It’s a lot and she loves all of them and she leans her head against Donna’s shoulder and watches Haley and Joanie open the rest of their own presents. Eventually, they head back to their own rooms, Cameron helping Haley lug the computer up the stairs and Donna going to check out the airstream with Joanie. 

They meet back in the living room, cleaning up wrapping paper and organizing presents into piles. 

“I got you one more thing,” Donna says, “but I’m not sure if you’ll love it or hate it.”

“I don’t think I’ll hate it,” Cameron offers.

Donna rolls her eyes, going behind the piano to tug out another present. It’s big but thin, brown paper wrapped around it, and Cameron rips through it quickly. It’s a giant picture frame with smaller pictures through it, neatly organized rows of four pictures. 

There’s ones from Mutiny, one of her and Haley and Joanie when Haley couldn’t have been older than ten. There’s Gordon and Joe and her, smiling in front of the Giant, the four of this time at a bar when it was a success, and one of just her, headphones on and glaring at a computer in the Mutiny house. There’s more recent ones too, the four of them in the summer, smiling as Bos took their picture at a beach. More candids of pictures Cameron didn’t realize were being taken, but she remembers the days clearly. Her and Donna, smiling and looking like a couple, taken at Haley’s birthday party in the summer. 

“How could I not like this?” Cameron asks. 

Donna shrugs, “I can’t always tell if it’s too much for you.” 

“What is?”

“Us,” Donna sighs, “Me, I don’t know. I think - it all happened before we realized it? And now I can’t imagine my life if you left or moved out or met someone new but I don’t know how you feel and -”

Cameron kisses her. The picture frame is on the ground between them, knocking against her knees, but she doesn’t care because Donna is leaning into her anyways, kissing her back, and tangling her hands in her hair.

“I love you,” Donna mutters, pulling back slightly. 

“I’m in love with you,” Cameron grins and it isn’t surprising anymore, how easy it is to say, how true it is. It doesn’t scare her. 

\-- -- --

“Fuck,” Joanie says, as soon as she walks into the room.

“What’s wrong?” Donna asks, “is the turkey okay?”

“Yes, it’s fine,” Joanie shakes her head. “You two figured it out.” 

“That’s a bad thing?” Cameron asks. 

Haley walks in and smirks, “No, but she bet it’d take you until New Year’s Eve, so I just won’t thirty bucks.”

“You _bet_ on this?” Donna asks, “on what us -” she stops talking and Cameron smirks, looping her arm around Donna’s shoulders. 

“This is gross,” Joanie groans, “it was almost better when you two were being morons who thought it was just a really strong friendship.”

“We’re really happy for you two,” Haley says, “even if it took you way too long.” 

\-- -- --

Things don’t change as much as Cameron expected. She moves her shit officially into their room and Joanie gets the basement to herself. 

Lev gives her shit but whines that he bet a month earlier and Bos starts planning double dates which is a horrifying concept that she turns out not to hate so much. 

Phoenix does even better than expected, Haley decides to commit early to Stanford, and Joanie applies to five schools, none of them in California. She isn’t sure what to major in but there isn’t a rush and Donna isn’t going to say anything, too afraid she’ll change her mind and not go at all. 

“We should go on a real date,” Cameron mutters. She’s tired, they spent too long at work trying to fix a bug that wasn’t letting people download pictures, and as soon as she got home she drew a bath. 

Donna leans down to test the temperature, frowning at her. “How are you not burning in this?”

“It’s not that bad,” Cameron says. “Do you want to go on a date with me or not?”

“Well, if you ask that sweetly how can I say no?” Donna mutters. She takes her time taking the rest of her jewelry off, the heart necklace hanging up beside the phoenix, and Cameron watches her take the rest of her clothes off. 

There isn’t anything sexy about it, not showing off or dramatic flairs, but it’s Donna and it’s still attractive, and there’s a part of her that still can’t believe she gets to be present for any of it.

The water is cooled down a bit by the time she finally steps in, still complaining but half-assedly, and leaning her back against Cameron.

“Where are you taking me on this date?” Donna asks, her eyes slipping closed. 

“I don’t know,” Cameron shrugs. She drags her fingers up Donna’s arm, goosebumps following her fingers, and she can feel Donna shiver. “Dinner probably, at that fancy steak place you pretend not to like.” 

“I don’t pretend not to like it, it’s ridiculously priced and not worth going every month.” 

“I know,” Cameron grins, “but they have that five course entrée thing next week and the dessert is crème brulée so I booked us a table.”

“Presumptuous.”

“Are you going to say no?”

“And after dinner?” Donna ignores her. 

“I made sure that Haley and Joanie had other plans, so we have the house to ourselves.” 

Donna hums and rolls over so she can face her. It sends water flying out of the bathtub and splashing onto the ground. Cameron laughs at her and reaches out to stable her. 

“Shut up,” Donna mutters, trying not to laugh at herself and leans in to kiss her.

\-- -- --

Cameron never really pictured herself as someone who wanted to get married. Her relationship with Tom always felt safe, something that she was in control of, and sure, it hurt when he left but she was the one who fucked up; it wasn’t a surprise. 

It is surprising that she’s been back to the jewelry shop three times in the past week. The barista at the café beside it knows her name and flirts with her, seriously at first, until she realizes that Cameron isn’t interested and then it becomes something like a joke. 

Carla is the only one in the store when she walks in on a Thursday. She’s tired, they spent all week working on their next update, that has to be better than whatever a startup called Pilot is trying to do it, and they finally posted it in the morning. She doesn’t want to know how well it’s doing.

Donna stayed at work, giving her a look that she’ll deal with later when she snuck out with the promise of bringing coffee back, and dragged Emma with her. Emma is her favourite and she isn’t that subtle about it. It isn’t like Emma reminds her of herself, she’s tiny with long dark curly hair and dark grey eyes, and Cameron’s never seen her wear anything casual. But she’s sweet and clever and smart, knows code and hardware, and impressed both her and Donna in her interview. 

Cameron made her stay at the café, introduced her to Sam the barista, and slipped out to go see Carla. 

Carla who smirks as soon as she pushes the door open, “How are you, Cameron?”

“Good,” Cameron says. She shoves her hands in her pockets and pretends she isn’t going to walk straight to where she knows all the rings are. “How are Caleb and Lucas?”

“Good,” Carla smiles, “Caleb is graduating from high school this year, still can’t believe it, and Lucas has decided he’s going to be a baseball player.”

Cameron smiles back. She hasn’t met either of them, but she’s here enough that she knows more about her kids than she thought she’d like. It’s become something of a routine. She gets Donna something new for her birthday, a bracelet or a ring or a necklace, and Donna pretends like she’s surprised. 

This ring is different. Cameron knows it and so does Carla. Donna’s birthday isn’t for another few months and Carla remembers it by now.

“Haley’s already moving on from her first job,” Cameron says. “Got a better deal somewhere else where she gets to work more and Joanie’s graduating college this year.”

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Carla laughs. “How fast they grow up.”

“Yeah,” Cameron nods. She follows Carla towards the case with all the rings and sighs, leaning against it. “That’s the one, right?”

Carla laughs, not unkindly, and takes it out of the case. It’s a simple ring, not as flashy as the other ones Cameron’s bought her over the years, just a gold band with a couple of diamonds on it. 

“It’s been the one the last four times you’ve been here,” Carla reminds her. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Cameron sighs. She’s pretty sure it’s the one. Joanie and Haley had seemed pleased with her choice, if a little impressed, and that should be enough for her to make the choice. 

Cameron buys the ring. 

\-- -- --

Cameron decides to do it on a Friday, just before Haley and Joanie are due back for Spring Break. Both of them had surprised them, Donna figured that they’d both have better plans than to come home for a bit. 

It starts off as a bigger plan, a picnic dinner at the park they’ve started going most weekends, but then Donna is too tired and they order takeout from the Indian place down the road. 

Donna is half asleep when she asks, doesn’t notice when Cameron turns the volume down on the tv. 

“Would you marry me?” Cameron asks, quietly. 

“Is this your proposal?” Donna asks. 

“Maybe.”

“Do you even have a ring?”

“Do you?” 

“Yes,” Donna says. She rolls over and grins, “will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Cameron says. “You really have a ring?”

Donna hums and swings her legs over the edge of the couch. She pulls a box out from under the couch, small and red, with a ring in it when she flips it open. “That was a serious yes, right?”

“Yes,” Cameron repeats. She blinks twice like it’s going to shake the picture of Donna one one knee with her arms set on the couch cushion. Donna reaches for her left hand and slides the ring on. 

“Will you marry me?” Cameron asks. She sits up properly, slipping her own ring box out of her pocket.

Donna smirks at her, “Yes.” 

Cameron slides the ring on her finger and tugs her back up onto the couch, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Donna grins, “but I want it on record that I proposed first.”

“Fuck off,” Cameron whines, “I asked first.”

“No, you didn’t,” Donna says, “it was hypothetical, I asked for real first.”

“Whatever,” Cameron sighs and kisses her instead.

\-- -- --

“Are you busy next Sunday?” Cameron asks. 

It’s sunny out and she’s going to come home with sunburnt shoulders and have Donna yell at her for not remembering sunscreen. 

“I’m never busy,” Bos grins. 

“I asked Donna to marry me,” Cameron shrugs, “or you know - fake marriage, whatever, but we’re still going to do a mini version of the whole thing? So I wanted to ask you if you’d walk me down the metaphorical aisle or whatever, and also officiate it? Or Diane can do that part, but I wanted to ask you first.” She knows she’s rambling but she’s still so nervous about it. 

Bos is smiling at her, eyes wet and he’s never looked this proud of her. “I’d be honoured, Cameron, truly honoured.”

Cameron is not going to cry. She does anyway, it’s only her and Bos in a boat in the middle of the ocean, and they’ll both deny it later. 

\-- -- --

It’s a small, fake ceremony but Cameron doesn’t care. 

Donna wears a bright green dress that makes her eyes look even better than usual and Cameron barely manages to keep it together. Bos is just as good an officiator as expected and Cameron even catches Joanie crying. 

It’s perfect, everything she ever wanted, and she does end up crying, when it’s her and Donna, dancing together in the middle of the makeshift dance floor Diane and Joanie had set up. 

“I love you,” Cameron murmurs. 

“I love you too,” Donna echoes, “even if you’re a crier now.”

“I’m not -” Cameron sighs, “how long do you think we have to stay here for?” 

There are more people than she expected. It’s still a small fake wedding, all things considered, but Haley brought her girlfriend home from school, and Joanie brought a few people she knows from her cooking classes. Bos has a group of guys he goes fishing with and Diane has a bookclub where Cameron isn’t sure that they actually read books. But they’re her friends too, people she knows and cares about and likes more than she tolerates. 

Donna grins at her, “Come on, I have an idea.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @ helenawebster if you wanna chat or anything!


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